October 28, 2014 One Month Old!!
I haven’t written anything for a while, though it’s not for
lack of things I want to say. More so,
my mind has been racing with so many thoughts, but I’m having some difficulty
organizing these thoughts into neat little bundles. So much has happened since my last blog
entry, namely, our little miracle, Sam Jeffrey was born September 30,
2014. He is 4 weeks old today, and as I
look at him peacefully napping on my chest, my heart is bursting. My heart is happy, not just for this sweet
dream of a baby we were gifted with, but also for the more intense love I feel
for my husband, Jeff, and our two year old, Nicholas. I didn’t think there was any possible way to
love Nicholas more, but seeing how wonderfully sweet and compassionate he is
with Sam, he just blows my mind every day.
I have heard some parents say they wonder how they will find room in
their heart for the next child, and I’m wondering how there is so much space in
mine to love Nick exponentially more. He
is a special soul, and as I have said before, I truly believe we were chosen for Sam because of his older brother. Nicholas is a gift beyond measure. As
for Jeff, as any parent with a partner can attest, the love you feel when you
see your partner caring for and loving your child simply multiplies when
there’s more added to the mix!
Before I write about Sam’s birth story, I have to begin with
some background on Nicholas’ story. We
tried for a baby for almost two years, when we discovered that we needed some
help with fertility issues, and Jeff had to have a surgery to reverse the
effects of scar tissue from a double hernia operation blocking “the goods” from
coming out. Jeff underwent a 9-hour
microscopic surgery to fix this issue and we then opted for IUI, Intrauterine
Insemination, to conceive a baby. The
first attempt failed, but the second was successful, and low-and-behold,
Nicholas entered our lives on September 24, 2012 via C-section, due to him
being breech. During this process of
infertility, testing and surgery, my OB/GYN, Dr. L, was an invaluable resource
of knowledge and support. How many
people can say they love their OB?? She
helped our little miracle happen, and she was a loving and compassionate friend
in the process. Well, Dr. L moved to
Atlanta, GA and I was sad for myself, but happy for her and this opportunity
for her and her family. Fast forward to
January 2014, and Jeff’s surgery was, apparently, successful because we were
pregnant again, ironically, without planning or intervention this time. My new OB/GYN, Dr. M, treated me throughout
my pregnancy, and she was the one to “break the news” of Sam’s diagnosis at 19
weeks gestation. Since Sam’s diagnosis,
as I mentioned in my other blog entries, we have found great support through the
DS community online and we have met some local families. Something that has struck me on this journey
is finding out that 90% of prenatal diagnoses of Down Syndrome end in
termination. My heart breaks when I look
at my son and realize some people feel he shouldn’t exist. How can anyone think that Sam shouldn’t be
here? I have heard of so many other
parents of kids with DS, throughout our country and elsewhere, tell stories of
“professionals” encouraging termination, to “get rid of it and try again.” I had some of these medical people let me
know this is an option, but thankfully never “encouraged” it. That said, termination was never an option for
us. Once again, I was blessed to have a
compassionate and supportive OB/GYN, this time in Dr. M, who celebrated my
pregnancy and the birth of Sam.
Sam’s birth story is a long one, but I’ll try to keep it
short here. Sam was born on Tuesday, September 30, 2014, after a long first
stage of labor that began on Saturday night.
Sam came a week early, and I will say, again, it was God’s blessing that
Dr. L was on call that weekend and into Tuesday. She does some per diem work for the practice,
as her family and friends are still in the area, and she comes back
occasionally to cover. She was with me
for my entire labor in the hospital, but had to catch a flight back to Georgia
on Tuesday morning. Dr. L had to fly back
to Atlanta, and Sam was born a half hour after her plane was scheduled to take
off. While we were hoping to have both
Dr. L and Dr. M there during Sam’s birth, how lucky were we to have my former
OB, who I love, take us through my entire labor, and then my current OB, who I
also adore, deliver Sam?! It was the
best of both worlds. Because Nick’s
C-section was due to him being breech, I was able to try to have Sam
naturally. I wasn’t progressing past
8cm, so we decided on an epidural before getting Pitocin. That said, up until that point I felt like a
rock star, breathing through contractions and staying quite relaxed, if I do
say so myself. In fact, when we got to
the hospital on Monday evening, I thought for sure they would send me home, as
I was feeling pretty good, and Dr. L confirmed I was 6cm and the nurses said, “She
is way too happy and smiling to be 6cm!”
I have to attribute that to my hippy relaxation/hypnosis CD’s I listened
to the months leading up to Sam’s birth. I am a believer in the power of the mind!
I had “accepted,” for lack of a better word, Sam’s diagnosis
and was prepared for what that may mean.
That said, I was scared. I was
worried when Sam was born and put into my arms that I would look at him
differently. That I would search his
face for signs of Down Syndrome, and that his diagnosis would skew good
feelings of his birth. When Dr. M
checked me and said we were ready to push, I was overwhelmed with emotion, and
while the medical team prepared and gowned up for the birth, I sobbed in my
blankets. As Jeff counted my pushes, his
voice cracked and I knew, though my eyes were tightly closed, that he was
overcome and tearful, too. Four sets of
pushes later, and Sam was placed on my chest.
I could barely see his face through tears. Happy tears.
Tears of relief that Sam was ok.
I searched his sweet face for recognition that I’m his mommy, not for
markers of DS. I was in love. After Sam was taken over to a table to be
dried off and warmed up, I said to my doctor, “I want to do that again!” She
replied, “Most women don’t say that right after pushing out a baby!” I meant
it, too. Nick’s birth was special, of
course, because we got him in the end, but this was the most amazing experience
of my life. There are no words to
describe this “miracle of birth.” It IS, without a doubt, a miracle. I'm still in awe of what my body was able to do. Super Woman is an understatement.
A friend who also has a child with DS recently described
their little guy as “magic.” I couldn’t
agree more, as Sam has been a dream baby.
At the risk of sounding cliché, when Sam looks into your eyes, it’s as
if he is looking into your soul. There
is something special about him. A woman
who met Sam yesterday described him as a “peaceful presence.” It is so difficult to put into words what my
children have added to my life. I am
just so excited to see how things unfold.
I’m still worried about Sam’s future and his health. I can’t look too far ahead, as I feel
overwhelmed with what may come, or how delayed his development and cognition
may be. I’m trying to live in the
present and enjoy my baby, my little family.
One month later, I’m wondering when it will sink in that I
have two children. Three years ago we
weren’t sure if we could have kids at all, and now we have two. Life is strange. Life is beautiful. We are blessed.
