May 13, 2015
Dear
Nicholas,
I haven’t
cried about your brother’s diagnosis for a long time now. I haven’t felt the need to cry in a long
time. This being the one year anniversary
of finding out about his Down Syndrome, I think back to that day we got his
prenatal diagnosis, and the two weeks that followed, when there were many
tears. I wish I knew then what I know
now. I bet a lot of people say that a
year after their child’s DS diagnosis. I
have a confession to make, Nicholas. My initial
thoughts were about you, and how you wouldn’t have a typical brother. I actually uttered the words, “The point of
having this baby was to give Nicholas a sibling.” How mad I am at myself that I could have even
thought that, never mind say those words out loud. If only I knew then what I know now.
I remember
feeling sorry for you, Nick. I felt
sorry that you may feel burdened some day.
I worried about you feeling embarrassed, being bullied or teased because
of your brother’s Down Syndrome. I
worried about your future, knowing full well that a lot will fall on your
shoulders. I was scared you would resent me and your Dad, angry and upset that
we sealed your future as care taker for your younger brother. We worried that you would feel neglected,
unseen, since we pictured Sam needing a lot of extra attention due to his
special needs. Your dad and I promised
you that you would never be overshadowed by Sam’s needs, and that you would be
made to feel just as important. We
worried about you feeling jealous of your baby brother. If only I knew then what I know now.
I should have known that you, my little
empath, would love your brother from head to toe, regardless of how many
chromosomes his body contains. No, you
don’t know what Down Syndrome means because you’re two and a half, but you know
Sam is special because he is your baby brother.
You’re drawn to him like a magnet, and he to you, and I wish you knew
what it meant to me to see Sam’s whole body light up when he sees you. When Sam cries, I can say, “Nick, go make
your brother smile,” and you do! Yes, you may have more on your shoulders as
you grow up, more than the average older brother. You may have to deal with kids and, let’s be
honest, ignorant adults, who treat you and your brother poorly, but these are
the things that will make you stronger.
So, no, I won’t apologize to you, Nick, for your brother having Down
Syndrome. You are so kind, so empathic,
so sweet, SO very special. YOU are these
things, all by yourself, but I know your brother will help you to grow and be
the best person you can be. I didn’t
know all this when Sam was first diagnosed. I know this now.
Nicholas, I
see you each morning, running straight for your brother, asking for hugs. I see you, asking why Sammy is crying and
making him laugh. I see you with your big personality, huge smile and goofy
sense of humor. I promise, Nick, I will always see you. I love you. I know I am blessed,
Nicholas. I thank God every day for the
life I have. I thank Him for the boys I
have. Nicholas, you are such a bright
light in my life. You lead the way to
the path that we are on as a family. You
were chosen for Sam. YOU are so very
special. I love you.
Love,
Mama
